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Three Weeks Deep

I’ve been neglecting this site like a mountain of dirty dishes caked in dried oatmeal, and it’s about time I heat some water, grab a sponge, and put some elbow grease into this son of bitch. (Btw, where does ‘elbow grease’ come from anyway? I’ve seen elbows drier than a tablespoon of cinnamon, but not… Continue reading

Updated Writing Metrics

Damn. It’s March already. A few more weeks and the first quarter of 2013 will be over. It hasn’t been a great start to the year – marked by violence, foreign and domestic political unrest, and a Congress less competent than autistic children on bath salts – but overall things are starting to improve. I… Continue reading

BLT: Google Glass

Google Glass is the biggest announcement in eyewear since tinted lenses. With it, Google ushers in the next stage of what Michio Kaku calls “The Age of Ubiquitous Computing.” Glass could be the death knell of smart phones as we know them, removing the 4th dimensional barrier of stopping to check each new text or… Continue reading

BLT: Sandman Slim

If Tarantino wrote an adaptation of Blizzard’s Diablo franchise and placed it in Los Angeles, with a protagonist like the meth-addled offspring of Tony Stark and Hermione’s gothic twin sister, you might approach the badassery of Sandman Slim. Sandman Slim is the first book in a series by Richard Kadrey. I first heard about the… Continue reading

Don’t Steal My Book, Bro

The mighty Wendigo has declared today “International Please Don’t Pirate My Book Day.” The name could use some pizzazz, or at least a better acronym, but you get the idea. In commemoration of this momentous occasion, the penmonkey army has been commissioned to write about their piracy views and nail the declarations to the base of… Continue reading

BLT: Miyamoto Musashi

After six decades of fileting enemies like a sushi chef, Miyamoto Musashi decided to blog a martial memoir of philosophical discoveries, which he called The Book of Five Rings. The “five rings” are his categorical divisions of the text: Earth, Water, Fire, Wind, and Emptiness. If you master each of these, Musashi says, you will… Continue reading

BLT: ‘Cause Everybody Loves Bacon

I have a confession: I’m a bit of neat freak. Not the tweaker, scrub-til-your-fingers-bleed kind of neat freak, but I’d probably rank somewhere on the OCD scale, if I ever wanted to investigate that sort of thing. But this post isn’t about my behavioral quirks. It’s about organization. And you’re here because of those three… Continue reading

Flashback 2012: Part 2

If first impressions hold up, 2013 and I are going to do just fine. The buckets of junk food I ate yesterday don’t count. I can quit whenever I want. *EA TSTUBOFRICEPUDDING* The worst part of the new year is returning to work, which comes with the burden of wearing pants, the perfect matching shackles… Continue reading

Flashback 2012: Part 1

Trash bins bulging with shredded wrapping paper, shiny new toys, empty bank accounts, and the scattered remains of an evergreen rainforest means a new year is around the corner, waiting to stab 2012 with a shiv and bury its body in the mass grave of history. As with every Armageddon prophecy and Discovery Channel special,… Continue reading

Gnome Wars

The gnomes were assembling, which is not something they did often. Ever see a gnome? A real one, not the kind sold in garden supply stores or kidnapped and ball gagged as hostages for traveling photo ops. The only accurate feature of those kitsch collectibles is the beards. Real gnomes resemble the offspring of Jocelyn… Continue reading